Welcome Ice Ice Babies, and thank you for visiting. If everyone is ready we will proceed with tonight’s meeting.

My name is Dr. Crane and I, like you, was a Kiddie Druggie.

IIB’s: “Hi, Dr. Crane”

We are all here for the same reason. The time has come for us to face our inner demons and no longer be slaves to the substances that once controlled our lives for an entire decade. Only by admitting our addictions, will we ever truly be free from their grasp.  I’m sure each of you had your own go to fix so before we open up the room for comments let’s review the TOP TEN most commonly abused drugs we used as kids.

Mark Mcgwire Approved Since 1990.

10. Big League Chew: Commonly known as the gateway drug, Big League Chew tactfully combined elements of both chewing tobacco and metabolic steroids. A half-ounce bag would usually run you about $2.99 at corner 7-11 but the sticky purple usually ran for $3.50 depending on whether or not it was little league season. Once the package was opened, the recommended 30 shred limit was frequently abused and you could get about three good wads in if your friends weren’t around to mooch. Quick flavor bursts and chewability score high marks with your pallete and within seconds your whole world goes pink as an enormous bubble bursts around face. Still, the flavor fades, and it fades fast. Soon one finds themselves with a normal glucose level and suddenly nothing is fun and bubbly anymore. Atleast, not until the next score.

Warning: May blow your brains out.

9. Mega Warheads:

The Mega Warhead drug primarily used to separate the boys from the men, er…slightly older boys. The Warhead was preceded by a mass underground marketing campaign that dared only the craziest, sick and tormented souls to hold a single dose in their mouth for more than 30 seconds while running the risk of having your head explode. This often lead to elementary level peer pressure in the playgrounds. I personally know a few people whose tastebuds were completely wiped out from overdoses and of course my friend Billy who died from mixing too many Sours and Hots (uppers and downers) at the same time. No this drug was not for the weak. Little girls ran away at the mere mention of people doing Mega Warheads. It would be many more years before the tagline: “Nuclear explosion in your mouth” would have any relevance whatsoever.

Hey, I’ll trade you three Pez for a Cig.

8. Candy Cigarettes: Adults were naive to think that cartoon images like Joe Camel had any influence on kids and smoking. It all boiled down to the fact that inhaling air and exhaling ”smoke” is obviously cool, and we didn’t learn that from a camel, we learned it from winter. Normal breathing is boring. Who wouldn’t want the ability to blow O’s especially if society permitted you more opportunities to go outside and take a break. The problem with Candy Cigs was that they didn’t last that long and the Cig itself tasted like flavored chalk. Still, the inner thrill of doing something adults thought was bad made the occasional pack worth it.

“Dude, I think I’m drunk.”

7. Jolt Cola- With the slogan “All the sugar and twice the caffeine,” Jolt cola was the original gangsta of liquid power. Since the term ”energy drinks” had not yet been deemed an acceptable category of beverage, Jolt remained a somewhat taboo indulgence, and certainly off limits for kids. I think it was the all the noise around how bad Jolt was that made it exciting. Unlike “how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop,” it was ”how many sips of Jolt until my body goes into convulsions.” I remember drinking a can with some friends outside the local Roller Rink and while I can’t prove it, I am pretty sure that day I set the world record for amount of laps skated to Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” I probably had about three cans total until my mom told me it would stunt my growth and that was enough for me. I certainly didn’t want to grow up get older and be a midget.

Drink, and give praise to Allah.

6. The Suicide Slurpee: The picture above pretty much sums it up. To voluntarily mix every flavor of slurpee into one big gulp cup you had to be certifiably insane, yet everyone knows someone who would do it. I mean two or three flavors was one thing. You were just trying to get more variety for your buck, but mixing them all into one concoction ie… “Strawberry, Coconut, Coke, Blue Raspberry, Root Beer, Banana, Lime, Bubble Gum, Mountain Dew, Orange, Vanilla…” Well that’s just disgusting.

Who wants to do a line?

5. Pixie Stix- Out of the top 5 “Hard Core” drugs for kids, Pixie Stix were ( and still are) the most popular. Developed by Wacky Willy Wonka, the white powder pixie dust is composed of Dextrose and Citric Acid cut with 2% artificial flavors. The most common common way of doing Pixie was to pour the powder straight from the wrapper directly into the mouth, thus providing instant gratification and quick absorption into the blood stream. While snorting through a rolled dollar bill was definitely an option, most of the kids in my neighborhood were too concerned about getting boogers on their measly excuse of an allowance to warrant such measures. We didn’t have a lot of money and free-basing pixie powder was as close as we’d ever get to Ricky Schroeder’s Silver Spoons childhood.

4. Mysterious Wax Tubes of Juice (GHB Glow Sticks?) - There was always one or two houses in the neighborhood that would drop these wax tubes of sugar juice that closely resemble glow sticks into your pillow case on Halloween. Where they came from I have no idea. Still to this day I’ve never seen them for sale in stores and I’m not exactly sure what was inside those tubes. I always threw them away. Now that I’m older and proud owner of 5 Law and Order SVU DVD complete sets, I’m convinced that these were date rape glow sticks most commonly found at raves. I don’t know if they came from the houses of pedophiles who were secretly scouting out the kids who marched up their doorsteps asking for a “trick or treat,” or if they were meant as a gift from some college dude who figured a tube would help me get some over the shirt boob. (Hey that rhymed!)

3. Pop Rocks- Whitney Houston’s favorite childhood treat, Pop Rocks were not for recreational Kiddie Drug users. The second a rock is placed on your mouth its carbonized content reacts to the moisture of your tongue and the snap, cracklin, and popping begins. There is no sensation in the world like it. You find yourself pouring the whole package in your mouth to maximize the chemical reaction and for this very reason, your tolerance builds to the point where one package is simply not enough. Before you know it, you find yourself stealing quarters from your mom’s change purse to keep the habit going. Soon your behavior becomes so erratic you do the unthinkable and mix the rocks with soda (even though you know for a fact that your brother knew a guy whose cousin died by trying the very same thing.) By the time you find yourself regurgitating cherry flavored stomach lining it is too late.

Because nothing says “Party Time” like a Hypodermic Needle.

2. SWEET SHOTS- This was just wrong on so many levels. The only explanation I can think of is that some poor corporate creative executive was in charge of coming up with an unconventional way to market flavored sugar goo. After months of failed ideas he was days from losing his job, his family, and everything that mattered if he didn’t come through. So with no place to turn and life hanging in the balance he injected heroin to escape from the pain. Then, just as Dr. House pops a vicodin and comes up with a miraculous last minute cure for an ailing patient, the executive finds the answer to all of his problems thanks to shooting up. Quite an uplifting story if you ask me.

Breaking Bad. Breaking Very Very Bad.

1. Crystal (Meth) Pops- For most of us, being a Kiddie Drug Addict just meant being a little wild from time to time form over indulging in too much sugar. At the very worst you developed type 2 diabetes. Unfortunatey there were some children that stumbled upon candy that were actually highly potent narcotics.  Keep that in mind the next time you view someone as being mentally deranged, cause if the wrong candy fell into our hands it very well could have been one of us.

At age 11, Vince “Sham Wow” Shlomi became addicted to his mom’s ”lollipops” that happened to be actual sticks of chrystal meth amphetamines. Poor guy.

Ok, that wasn’t so hard right? Who has comments to share with the group?

Just a reminder there is always complimentary splenda available at www.Gibbs12.com

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